Logistics UPDATE 

Comments: 

There are also added benefits such as medals J  

If you have any questions on the survey please feel free to contact myself (brettinc@icon.co.za)  

Fleet Admiral Brett 

Gentlemen of the Command Staff of the Emperor's Hammer Strike Fleet, 

As the Chief Supervisor of the Accounting Department of the Logistics

Office in charge of collecting, filing, and reporting on the expenses

made by the officers of the fleet, Grand Admiral Ronin has felt it

necessary for me to bring to everyone's attention his definition of

"expense report": An expense report is an itemization of legitimate

fleet related expenses, to be submitted to the Accounting Department for

the purpose of recompensation. You may notice that the Grand Admiral did

not include the word "extravagant" in that definition, nor even the word

"entertainment." And he most certainly did not use the word "farm

animals."

The reason I feel the need to clarify this matter is because of some

recent expense report abuse that has been brought to my attention via my

fellow workers in the Accounting Department. To cite some examples from

the week of July 15th alone:

1. A $25,00 bar tab at Uncle Biffy's Booze Banquet. Nothing new.

2. A $3,000 life-sized rabbit made out pure gold, from the melted

fillings of New Republic prisoners of war held on Setii IV, as charged

by the Recon Office. We'd really like to know what this was purchased

for, and what use it is being put used to.

3. Several items from the Adam & Eve catalog, cited as "anti-stress

instruments". Total: $1,087.

4. A $40,000 Oldsmobile Aurora, fully loaded. For one, Grand Admiral

Ronin is appalled and enraged that Fleet Admiral Blake would have the

audacity to charge the car to the fleet, and then try to pass it off by

parking it in the Grand Admiral's parking space. Such behavior is

inexcusable, and will not be tolerated by any officer of the Emperor's

Hammer, regardless of stature, eminence, rank, or position.

By the way, congratulations to the Security Officer from the Logistics

Accounting Department, on his new MoH!

5. A $24.95 subscription to Big Black Booty magazine. The Grand Admiral

will allow this only if it's put in the fleet circulation pile, and his

name is first on the list.

6. A $1,000 wombat. This thing is starting to frighten the troops.

7. A leather collar imported from the slave workers on Hagran IV,

complete with rare studs crafted from the Javink ruby right before the

Daf'Telik monarchy was overthrown in the Geedon Revolution. Signed off

as "Gift for the Spunky, the Golden Bunny, on his 1st Birthday!"

$4,280.72.

8. A pack of dentyne. $0.65.

Frankly, we cannot tolerate further depletion of the fleet funds; right

now, we're on the brink of bankruptcy. As Grand Admiral Ronin put it,

"Do those toe-suckers think it's simple to take care of some 4,000

no-life flight sim freaks?!" I don't think I need to be one to tell you

gentlemen that it's not. Many young Colombian men and women risk their

lives every summer, braving sharks, whirlpools, gulls, the Coast Guard,

cupcakes, coatimundis, flying squirrels, pumas, colobus monkeys, Welsh

mountain ponies, and a range of venereal diseases to bring us the washed

money we use to oil up our military machine. And, sadly, the "EH

Benefactors" plan isn't working out the way was planned to. Many people

resent wanting to be a Citizen yet not being able to spare five bucks

for that status, sometimes because they're parents won't let them, or

because they're having to save up for something of a much more dire

consequence, or possibly because they're just broke-ass. In order to

resolve this problem, I suggest the following system be implemented:

1. $1.00 -- Illegal Immigrant

2. $0.50 -- Scared Tourist

3. $0.25 -- Dog Licker

4. $0.10 -- Dung Beetle/Tick/Tapeworm

5. $0.05 -- Insect Feces

5. $0.1 -- Not Fit to Live, You Cheap Scumbag

While morale may face a sharp decrease, we'll be rich dawgs. So many

people out there are without identity, they wouldn't mind chipping in a

measly Mr. Jefferson to be at least considered something -- whether it

be the excrement of a ladybug or whatever.

Speaking of the "EH Benefactor" situation, we have even more problems

with those who did contribute money and feel entitled to some other

benefit besides a title. We have done our best to explain to them that

simply because they contributed $20 and are now a "Patroon", that we

cannot hand over large tracts of land from New York, especially since

the Dutch haven't had a colony there for quite some time. Patroon Todd

Patrick has become especially vehement about this, handing out threats

that "we'll never know what swallowed us, as we churn and compose inside

his colon as practiced acids eat away our flesh and slowly digest us".

While I do not know if he is sincere, I would give him some merit -- the

late Mr. Alvin Piddlebunker, a.k.a. Todd Patrick's Lunch circa 12:01

p.m., May 6th, 1991 is a constant reminder of this.

There has also been some issues with the most recent and generous

contribution of $2,000 dollars from Mr. Nathan Poindexter ("Big Funky

Bastard") and his "crew", the Natural Born Killaz. We made him aware of

his new "Lord Chamberlain" status, and replied with a long manifesto

(please see "Re: The Fly Bitches" in your Mailbox) concerning the

procurement of a concubine or harem of sorts, one which we were not able

to provide with, since the last concubine left after the nasty incident

with Fleet Commander Threat and the intrusion of the Thousand Dollar

Wombat. Still, Mr. Bastard has made it clear that he will come over to

our houses "and get Hong Kong on our sorry asses if we don't put the

hoes down for his pimp up". Needless to say, Fleet Admiral Blake has

already assured us that our protection is all an all-time high.

This concludes the New Expense Report Policy report, and I shall now

return to my desk and come up with a dozen more pieces of bureaucratic

paperwork to spread around. Peace out.

Signed,

Herbert Kornfeld

Chief of the Accounting Department, Logistics Office