"Mikey's Roundup"

As Grand Admiral Ronin waded through the numerous mail messages on his datapad, 
one subject line jumped out at his attention:  "Evidence that TAC is a traitor."  Normally, 
complaints against the command staff went straight into the trash--it just wasn't worth 
the time to reply to every crackpot who had his panties in a wad because their "brilliant" 
new idea (which hadn't worked the last time someone suggested it) wasn't adopted, or to 
remind every punk flight member who'd had his feelings hurt that they were free to leave 
with a dishonorable discharge if they didn't like the way things were run.    

Something about this message, though, caught GA Ronin's attention.  Perhaps it was the 
correct spelling and lack of exclamation points in the header.  Perhaps it was the claim of 
evidence.  So, despite it being an anonymous message, carefully scrubbed of anything 
that would allow it to be traced, Ronin opened it and began reading:

================



Grand Admiral,

You may recall that Admiral Marcin "Mike" Szydlowski recently suggested that 
the Intelligence Division had not done its job properly in discovering traitors 
before they had a chance to act.  Well, as the old saying goes, be careful what you 
ask for, because you may get it.  On the theory that "the lady doth protest too 
much, methinks", I have analyzed some of Mike's Tactical reports, and have 
found that they contain coded messages to the New Republic, detailing our fleet's 
movements. 

Have you never wondered why the grammar of a person as intelligent as the 
Tactical Officer is so unusual at times?  I have, which is why I began poring over 
Admiral Szydlowski's public reports.  After intense computer analysis of the 
words Mike omits, uses wrongly, or adds unnecessarily, I believe I have 
discovered a method to his madness. 

I call your attention to the attached tactical report.  If you start with the first 
letter of the third word, and take every thirty-seventh letter, you get the following 
phrase: "Butt Nugget make me FC".  Clearly, this is intended to broadcast to the 
New Republic that he is willing to betray you.  You will also notice, that to get 
this message to come out correctly, Mike has had to mangle proper Basic syntax 
rather badly.  The probability of this message occurring by chance is very nearly 
zero, even if we ignore the fact that the language has been manipulated so that the 
pattern comes out right.  In his attempt to appear less proficient in Basic, Mike 
has been hoist by his own petard.

Subsequent reports show similar hidden messages, revealed by the same process 
(though the spacing and start points change).  These messages include phrases 
like "Sov away" during the week when the Sovereign was being resupplied, and 
"Col MC" when the Colossus was preparing for deployment to the Minos Cluster.  
Clearly he is passing classified information to our enemies.   

I should note that a similar process has been used on "The Book of Anger" to 
discover prophecies hidden by Palpatine, so it is well established as a valid
scientific technique.  Do not think me mad--I am mad but north-northwest.  I 
think the evidence I have presented is compelling enough for you to take action 
against the Tactical Officer.  


In Service to the Emperor's Hammer,

Agent Hamlet



Well, thought Ronin, that settles it.  No one who quotes Shakespeare could be 
an evil man, and the evidence of Mike's treachery is crystal clear.  He 
immediately sent off an order to the Executive Officer:


Astatine,

Mike is to be executed for treason.  Find him, and bring him to me.


GA Ronin



Ronin barely had time to feel outraged at his trusted officer's betrayal before he was 
forced to return to the many pressures of running an entire fleet.


* * * * *

For the first time in his life, Lieutenant Colonel Philo wished he were flying a Rebel
starfighter.  It wasn't the shields he wanted--he'd done just fine without shields for a 
good portion of his career.  It wasn't the craft itself, either-- he'd always liked the
extra maneuverability of the Imperial fighters.  No, what he really wanted was an astromech 
droid right now, so that he wouldn't have to personally monitor the incoming radio traffic.
As it was, he'd be lucky to get that annoying song out of his head within a month.  Who was 
the idiot who made up that song for Mike, anyway?  Probably the same guy whose brilliant 
idea it was to have a Western-themed party to celebrate TAC3K. 

Oh, no... here comes the chorus again...

"It's time for Mikey's Roundup
I'm the very best
I'm the rootinest tootinest TAC guy
In the Wild Wild West!"

Philo glanced at his chronometer for the hundredth time.  Only ten more minutes until we 
get to the abandoned Beef Farms ranch.  I can make it ten more minutes.  Once we get there,
I'm crashing my GUN into the nearest obstacle, and claiming the collision damaged my radio.
Yes... that should work...

"There's Frodo, the XvT Hobbit
Master, the XWA workhorse
Philo, the TIE prospector
And Mikey, the TAC himself, of course"

Well, at least he's getting the grammar right, I guess.  That's something.  
Only nine more minutes now...  I think I can make it.  It will all be over soon...